The Joy of Oofing.

Yeah, that’s how I did it. There were fucking hundreds of them in the van, but I mourned zero.

There are only so many ways to make chicken Marsala. At a certain point, recipe writers are chasing a dwindling market.

Let’s take the example of chicken Marsala, specifically: You find one that works, and you’re not searching anymore. It’s like the baked salmon I make: Yep, the one from the '80s still works.

I feel there’s a very small window in which one looks for new recipes, as one really only needs a dozen or so before there’s enough variety that things don’t get old. If you want something else, well, that’s what restaurants are for.

I sort of glossed over the access. One expects that from longform, so it felt like it came with the territory.

Riveting!

(god, are those a bitch to remove)

Interesting choice of words on the powder.

I did not set out to own anyone, as I agree that it’s unsettling. We rather fell into it. I complained my ring finger felt weird empty, and she did what one does at a pizza place: went to a quarter machine and got me one.

When I finally asked her to marry me a few months later (had to get the first marriage out of the way first), she had a lot of fun watching me stumble over my words. She gave me about 20 minutes before just taking my hand, pointing to that ring and saying, “I already claimed you.”

Sure, a ring is not ownership, but my reaction was “well, fuck … guess I need to get a collar now.” In my defense, when I first came across her profile five years prior, she was wearing cone spikes in one of her pics, and that … just might have been what tipped the scales to messaging her.

I did get her an engagement ring; in fact, I saw it again just a few days ago. But I knew the collar was going to be temporary; no worries there, as the real thing was coming. I commissioned two artists off FetLife: one for the leather, and one for the metal.

At the wedding, no one was aware they’d just signed up for a collaring ceremony, but seriously, if a chick walks into her wedding wearing a collar, do you not expect an upgrade?

She still wears her collar when her grandson is not around, as it’s still quite sharp, but she tells new people that she collared herself instead of explaining “Well, in 2011 …”

Service quality, specifically, I think has held up. Food quality, on the other hand …

Like, they know that you’re going to have to be royally pissed to do a chargeback, so they skate by via doing the bare minimum to keep you only irritated.

Though I did have some amazing Italian delivery the other day, so it’s not universal.

Have to tried adding glue to your pizza? It really ties the room together.

It was between the flour and the water, so while one could sprinkle salt on at the end, it seemed central to the process.

Oh, SEO is something that even Dante couldn’t come up with.

A couple of decades back, I was editing a column with a recipe that lacked the unit for salt. This was on deadline, so I deduced from where it was compared with other ingredients that it was 1/4 cup.

Now, no reasonable person is going to use 1/4 cup of salt in anything on a household scale. But I wasn’t really having my cooking hat on, and the proofer didn’t catch it.

The number of complaints we got was somewhat comical. “Too salty; inedible,” usw.

It of course called for 1/4 tsp.

My ex-wife would shoot you back so hard that you think fingering is interesting porn.

Oddly, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve ceased enjoying internet porn. Maybe it’s shooting it myself years ago, but, like: Why would you want random people you’ll never meet? I don’t get the industry as a whole … like, yeah, people liked my wife, but where does that get you?

How fucking delightful.

Hell, I have no way of getting data off a 3.5" floppy!

I doubt it was the microwave situation. One does that once. In college. On the floor kitchen because even though you have your own, this experiment is worth doing in public.

That’s what I asked it to parody! (clap-clap-clap-clap)

I mean, I’ve been published several hundred times. Just not a full book yet.

Kleenex and Band-Aid are still going strong …

I worked at the Skagit Valley Herald. People live in very stupid places in Mt. Vernon.