So, over the weekend, my wife and I went back to visit our families for Easter (even though neither of us observe).
I’m not out to my family yet and still present very masculine, although the changes I’ve made to feminize were definitely being commented on quite a bit (painted nails, shaved legs, ear piercings, short facial hair (that I wish I could shave entirely)). So I was feeling a bit insecure. And I was cuddling with my wife and was trying to be cute and get reassurance at the same time, asking like “would you love me no matter what?” Because my wife and I have an ongoing joke that we would only stop loving each other if one of us becomes a Nazi (which, obviously, neither would ever do). But then at one point she said, “…or if you were a girl!”
And I was/am just devastated. She realized as soon as she said it how badly she fucked up, and she apologized profusely. She said she was just joking and it was her autism not doing her favors with social dynamics, but damn, it’s just been echoing in my brain ever since. Like, why would she even have that thought, let alone say it out loud? That’s my single greatest fear related to transitioning - losing the people I love, especially my wife.
But it started a whole conversation about how we’re both feeling with everything that’s happened over the past few months since my egg cracked. And it was some good, some less good.
She’s been really supportive of the nonbinary aspect of my identity, and with stuff like trying girl clothes, but it’s starting to feel more to me that she’s not as supportive as she thinks she is. Like, once again she said “I think he/they makes sense for you, in my mind”. Which, to me, feels like it’s not her place to try to tell me what I’m allowed to identify myself as? Because I put that in the context of her being pretty opposed to me going on HRT or getting surgeries (HRT is something I want soonish, surgeries I’m more ambivalent about right now). Like, anything permanent, she doesn’t want me to pursue, and she says she would have a much harder time with.
Part of it is because we want to have kids, and her best friend just had a baby, and her sister is pregnant, so that’s on her mind, and I am obviously a bit preoccupied with other things. And when it comes to doing cryo storage and IUI, I’m fine with that! I feel like plenty of cis couples get medical help like that, and as long as the fertilized egg ends up in a uterus, great! My wife seems adamant that she wants to conceive “naturally” though, and says she doesn’t want me to start HRT until we’re done having kids.
I don’t want to wait another 5 years of aging with testosterone in my body. Not only would that be 5 years of dealing with a male body and all the dysphoria that entails, it would also mean being 5 years of progress feminizing that I’d be missing out on. I would like to lose some weight before I start HRT, but that’s more of a 6-12 month timetable, in my mind.
I obviously don’t want to lose my marriage. That is the absolute last thing I want. My wife is my best friend, and I felt like since she’s bisexual, she wouldn’t have as hard a time with this. My transition is really important to me, and I feel like I’m finally living for myself and not suppressing and tailoring myself to make other people happy. And I’m not prepared to give that up. And I recognize that I might be pushing things fast, and maybe I should slow down for her sake?
I don’t know, it’s just been a really difficult and overwhelming few days. Any advice or thoughts are welcome, because I’m at a bit of a loss for answers here, and I don’t have therapy for another two weeks.
Just a clarification up front: you can totally have kids even post transition - fertility treatments like freezing sperm are an option, and it’s not uncommon for people to stop HRT and become fertile again and be able to have kids the old fashioned way.
Unfortunately you’re in the same position as many other trans women. When your gender identity runs up against the incompatible sexual orientation of your spouse, there is rarely an ideal resolution to that situation.
Either you sacrifice unreasonably by not transitioning (horrible for you and your partner, basically not an option), or your partner sacrifices unreasonably by remaining in a marriage with someone they can no longer feel attraction to (also unreasonable, basically also not an option).
All I will say is that you have to walk the walk, you don’t know what will happen - but you do know you need HRT. Protect yourself, don’t sacrifice your fundamental well being and existence.
Even if you refuse to transition to appease your wife, it won’t be a “sacrifice” in the sense that it preserves the marriage: won’t be yourself in that marriage, you probably won’t be the happy and supportive spouse you want to be, let alone the kind of father you would be expected to be, and so on. Not transitioning hurts other people, at least that’s how it was for me in my life (and how it seems to be for many other trans women). You aren’t actually helping anyone by not transitioning, and you might be hurting them.
But let your wife make her own decisions and don’t prejudge the outcome before she has had a chance to come to terms with it. Some spouses realize their sexuality was more open than they realized and find a way to make it work. Sometimes it takes a while to realize this. Sometimes it takes a while to realize it just won’t work, too. Either way - be clear about your needs with yourself and try to be transparent with your partner and let her make her own choices. That might result in the relationship ending, but that doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed, even if it’s reasonable to see the possibility.
This might also be a good time to get a trans-affirming therapist who has experience working with trans patients, and also consider a couples counselor who likewise has experience working with trans people. Trans women are often vilified in society for “betraying” their spouses by transitioning, so it’s important to find a couples therapist who isn’t just going to take the side of the cis spouse, and who understands the importance of medical transition for basic well-being.
This is so tough, I am so sorry you are going through this. 🫂
Remembering my life pre-transition, I held on for so long to avoid creating problems for other people - I even didn’t seriously consider transitioning because it would complicate the relationship with my in-laws, and so on. After transition I look back and think how foolish I was, how little I understood the importance of transitioning, and I feel regret for sacrificing so much of my life for people who don’t even remotely share the same level of concern or sacrifice for me (not that they even necessarily should have made the kinds of sacrifices I was making - nobody should!).
Also, my all-things-considered two cents is that you should start HRT ASAP, don’t delay it because you want to lose weight first or for any other reason. Getting the right sex hormones in your body can not only be very clarifying, but also extremely important for basic functioning. Once I was on HRT, I balked at how long I had lived without it and genuinely wondered how I even survived. Life back on testosterone and without estrogen is an unimaginable horror to me.
And it’s not reasonable for your wife to ask you to delay HRT until after having kids, esp. not with the evidence that fertility comes back when pausing HRT and with the fertility treatment options. Would you want to dictate whether she can take testosterone if she realized she might be a man? (Or whether she can take HRT if she started menopause, and so on?)
In fact, it’s not reasonable for her to dictate most things about your transition - how you identify, what pronouns you use, what surgeries you do or don’t get, etc. You are right to feel she was wrong for overreaching.
She might feel she has a right to control that because she feels a right to not be in a relationship with a woman, or how much of a woman she is comfortable with being with, but the reality is that you are who you are on the inside, and transition is about aligning everything else with that reality - she is already married to someone who isn’t a man, and preventing you from getting access to gender-affirming care won’t change that.
You can predict at this point she is likely to resist every step you make towards transition, and at some point you are going to have to make a decision about how to best handle that.
Transition certainly involves overcoming immense fears and risks, but unfortunately I don’t see any alternative.
Thank you 💜 I fortunately have a great individual therapist who does have experience working with other trans and queer clients, but I think you’re right, that a trans-affirming couples therapist is probably a good idea. I know the local LGBTQ resource center has some recommendations, l’ll have to check it out.
I also think you’re right that I shouldn’t prejudge anything. It’s obviously been a tumultuous few months, and I probably need to be more patient with my wife coming to terms with everything. Like I mentioned, she’s autistic, so even smaller changes can be hard for her. It’s just difficult for me, because I really want that reassurance that our relationship will survive (or hopefully thrive), and even if we do get to that place, it’s going to take some time.