So, over the weekend, my wife and I went back to visit our families for Easter (even though neither of us observe).
I’m not out to my family yet and still present very masculine, although the changes I’ve made to feminize were definitely being commented on quite a bit (painted nails, shaved legs, ear piercings, short facial hair (that I wish I could shave entirely)). So I was feeling a bit insecure. And I was cuddling with my wife and was trying to be cute and get reassurance at the same time, asking like “would you love me no matter what?” Because my wife and I have an ongoing joke that we would only stop loving each other if one of us becomes a Nazi (which, obviously, neither would ever do). But then at one point she said, “…or if you were a girl!”
And I was/am just devastated. She realized as soon as she said it how badly she fucked up, and she apologized profusely. She said she was just joking and it was her autism not doing her favors with social dynamics, but damn, it’s just been echoing in my brain ever since. Like, why would she even have that thought, let alone say it out loud? That’s my single greatest fear related to transitioning - losing the people I love, especially my wife.
But it started a whole conversation about how we’re both feeling with everything that’s happened over the past few months since my egg cracked. And it was some good, some less good.
She’s been really supportive of the nonbinary aspect of my identity, and with stuff like trying girl clothes, but it’s starting to feel more to me that she’s not as supportive as she thinks she is. Like, once again she said “I think he/they makes sense for you, in my mind”. Which, to me, feels like it’s not her place to try to tell me what I’m allowed to identify myself as? Because I put that in the context of her being pretty opposed to me going on HRT or getting surgeries (HRT is something I want soonish, surgeries I’m more ambivalent about right now). Like, anything permanent, she doesn’t want me to pursue, and she says she would have a much harder time with.
Part of it is because we want to have kids, and her best friend just had a baby, and her sister is pregnant, so that’s on her mind, and I am obviously a bit preoccupied with other things. And when it comes to doing cryo storage and IUI, I’m fine with that! I feel like plenty of cis couples get medical help like that, and as long as the fertilized egg ends up in a uterus, great! My wife seems adamant that she wants to conceive “naturally” though, and says she doesn’t want me to start HRT until we’re done having kids.
I don’t want to wait another 5 years of aging with testosterone in my body. Not only would that be 5 years of dealing with a male body and all the dysphoria that entails, it would also mean being 5 years of progress feminizing that I’d be missing out on. I would like to lose some weight before I start HRT, but that’s more of a 6-12 month timetable, in my mind.
I obviously don’t want to lose my marriage. That is the absolute last thing I want. My wife is my best friend, and I felt like since she’s bisexual, she wouldn’t have as hard a time with this. My transition is really important to me, and I feel like I’m finally living for myself and not suppressing and tailoring myself to make other people happy. And I’m not prepared to give that up. And I recognize that I might be pushing things fast, and maybe I should slow down for her sake?
I don’t know, it’s just been a really difficult and overwhelming few days. Any advice or thoughts are welcome, because I’m at a bit of a loss for answers here, and I don’t have therapy for another two weeks.
There’s a lot of great advice here already, so I’m not going to reitreate. Instead, I’m going to offer an anecdote:
My egg cracked 11 years ago. At the time, my spouse and I had been married for 5 years and together for 10. They meant the world to me and were the only thing driving me every day. I always said that my career was second; they were the smarter one (higher academic degree, more published papers, more detailed mathematical work) and so I could pick up anywhere and do whatever as long as they were doing what they wanted. I would then and would still, now, gladly take a bullet to keep them safe.
I put this out there to lay the foundation for my decision when I discovered, cognitively, that I was transfemme. My immediate and lasting reaction was to shove that in a box and bury it. I refused to harm our relationship or my spouse in ANY way, including but not limited to: socially, emotionally, economically, physically. I was thinking about the direct and indirect effects on them from knowing, and dealing with, me, my transition, or the way others would react to it with them or to them.
I missed a very important factor in all of this: me. Forgetting, just for a moment, how miserable it is to live through over a decade of dysphoria without help or even a verbal outlet, I harmed my spouse by being absent from life in general. I was always stuck inside my own head thinking about how life could be instead of how it was at the moment. After I came out, received a diagnosis and eventually began HRT, they told me they could tell I was actually with them again. I was there. Physically, sure, but also mentally! I was aware in full of the world and events around me and actively taking part in life again.
Did I do some damage? Yes. Some of it is yet to be realized, since I still fully pass in boymode and am sticking to that in public for quite some time. The difference is that the issues we face now and will face in the future are ones we’ll face together. I won’t face them alone inside my head and they won’t face them without me really being in the moment. We’re actually a couple again, everyday, and I wouldn’t give this up for anything.
I have one regret. I regret not doing this a decade ago.
One thing I wanted to mention but didn’t: I wrote this to show that it could be possible to be you and be in a loving relationship. They don’t all have to end just because of a change. My spouse and I still love each other as much as the day we met. I’m starting thereapy to work through my transition, and at some point I will bring them in for a couples session (or as many as we need!) to make sure we are both doing the things that are right for us. I’d love to remain in this marriage the rest of my life. I hope they do as well, but if there are needs I can no longer fulfill or the attraction isn’t there anymore, I’m willing to accept that. Life was never fair (I’d have been born with two X chromosomes if it was!) and I know that changes can come and that some can be worse than others. For now though, I have a trusted partner, best friend, and loving spouse to help me through it, all in the same person.
Thank you 💜 it sounds like you have a wonderful partner! I hope that my wife and I can have the same experience. She really is incredible and my best friend. It’s hard for me to accept right now that I might have to be okay with separating if she just isn’t attracted to femme-me, but you’re right, if there are needs she has that I can’t meet, I can’t deny her that. I hope, though, that no matter what happens, we can stay in each others’ lives in a big way.