Because I don’t, and pretending to feels dishonest. I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested, and I certainly won’t ask about it on my own. What I’m trying to figure out is whether people actually care, or if they’re just playing a social game that I’m simply not interested in.
I’m probably on the autistic spectrum, which likely explains this to some extent. But that’s not an excuse - being an asshole is perfectly compatible with autism, so before dunking on me, please realise I probably agree with your criticism.
I don’t get all wrapped up in imagining sharing the experience or anything like that, but it’s always nice to get a factual update about the other person. And if they have something interesting to say about whatever it is, that’s good too.
As i got older, I cared more. I uses to listen politely, then I started to look forward to hearing about my friends and family lives. Now I’m one of those guys who calls to ask for updates. 😆
Yes I do care. The reason i care is because it makes me happy for them as a friend that they’re going through or went through an event that brought them joy or enriched their lives somehow.
If it’s a coworker then I’m usually doing it to be nice, but also because if you’re spending a considerable amount of time with your coworkers each day, you’ll probably have a more enjoyable work culture if you get to know your coworkers.
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I care. Some people care more than others. That’s fine.
How good of a friend are we talking? I care about my roommate’s new nephew. I know his sister, and we’ve played D&D with his brother-in-law. The baby is, like, a relevant part of being friends with them. Similarly, if he went on vacation I’d want to hear about how it went, especially if anything interesting happened.
On the other hand some of my coworkers at my last job liked to talk about this kind of stuff, and I didn’t really care, but it was nice to have something to talk about while I was setting up a new printer for them, or whatever.
I don’t feel like it makes much difference whether the person is close to me or not. It’s not that I don’t care about what happens to these people, but a huge part of the topics people generally small talk about are the kinds of mundane things I have almost zero interest in discussing. For example, if something interesting happened to you over the weekend, I assume you’re just going to tell me about it - I would. But I sometimes feel like people expect me to ask about those things, and when I see others do it, I’m often a bit skeptical about whether they’re actually interested or just going through the motions. Thus this thread.
If creating new life and welcoming a new person into your world is “mundane”, or exploring new corners of this tiny world that we are confined to is not interesting to you, then you really gotta tell me about the mind-blowing stuff you’re doing every day that takes precedence.
Asking questions is how most people show interest. That doesn’t mean it’s disingenuous. Conversations are not events where people take turns talking at each other, they’re back-and-forths.
On the flip side, have you thought about how disingenuous it can seem when someone says nothing while you talk, and then immediately afterward starts talking about themselves and their life at length? Most people don’t just automatically update everyone around them on everything in their lives, that’s why people ask questions and show interest.
I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested
Yikes
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Yeah.
I can’t be bothered to even pretend to care about the lives of people I claim to care about
I, for one, absolutely LOVE it when people talk about things that excite them. I ask questions because I want to see them get even more excited or passionate. I would honestly be hurt by someone like the OP, only pretending to be interested, because then with no follow up questions or anything, I would assume the conversation is going nowhere and would probably stop even trying to interact with them.
I specifically wont pretend to be interested. You’ll notice that I’m not - that’s why I wont ask in the first place.
Autistic and I don’t care, but I do listen and I try to do it well.
Somebody I care about has had an incredible event or experience in their life. Of course I care and want to hear about it.
I care, usually not very much, but somewhere above zero. It’s good that they actually have something to talk about which therefore gives us something to talk about. Holidays overseas are a bit easier than kids because there’s some relatability there but whatever they’re talking about it’s usually more the person talking about it that’s interesting more than the thing. You’re already friends, so you already enjoy their insights or way of talking about things and you’ve probably been there for a fair few of their important life events so it’s nice to hear about the latest ones and how that’s shaping then today as others shaped them before.
Because I don’t have kids and wasn’t on their vacation for me there is a natural limit imposed on just how interesting it can be hence saying I don’t exactly care a whole lot, but it’s usually at least enough to make sharing a beer more satisfying.
For some stuff I don’t care, some other makes me jealous and some other is actually cool to discover/learn (think of some new place to have lunch/dinner or some hobby you didn’t know about your friend).
But in general I am with you, and I also feel like most people liking and commenting are playing the social game.
I am not very active in social networks, though…
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You care about your baby and your vacation. Being excited to share that with other people is normal, and when you share something you’re excited about with other people, it feels good; you get a serotonin boost and relive it in your mind. That process requires two people. It’s a social contract. The other person is going to get relatively little out of the situation, but perhaps they get a little nostalgia recounting their own experiences and thinking back to their own kids. You should play along and ask questions because it makes them feel good, and later on, when you’re jazzed about something, they might return the favor.
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When someone is excited to recount a vacation abroad, it’s a learning experience. Where did you go? What did you like? How were the people? What was hard about it? How much did it cost? Assuming you get to travel, it might give you helpful information that will make you more at ease with making your own plans.
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Children: When you have them, most people get rewired a little. You go from OH KILL ME NOW, THERE’S A CRYING BABY ON THE PLANE to, ohh god, she must be miserable scared and confused, somebody snuggle that baby. When I see my coworker’s baby, I get a wave of feelings/memories from when I cradled my own.
I think I get your frustration, and it echoes my own from years ago. My recommendation is to learn to play social the games. It doesn’t take as long as it feels like it will out of your day to act compassionate. Making those connections with people and how those people see you is important. It opens opportunities and can give you comfort and give them greater patience with you when you need them to be patient. You might also find that moving through the motions strengthens your empathy.
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A baby and a vacation aren’t comparable.
Do I “care” about every little detail of their vacation? No, but I’m glad they are happy and had a good time.
People like to talk about their experiences, it’s not really a game.
Some people truly care, some don’t and some fake it. Nobody is forcing you to care or even fake it. There are just consequences to it if you don’t, some people will think that you are an asshole if you do that and don’t want to associate with you anymore. It’s up to you whether you can live with those consequences or not.
This is probably the most concise and practical answer in this thread.
