What’s your positive examples of men, fathers, friends, work colleagues, brothers, etc where they were or are emotionally available?
I feel in todays’ society, men are pressured to fit into this image of having to be emotionless. Thus most of us grow up in empty homes with emotionally absent fathers. That sucks and I don’t want my kids to have to suffer such such
I won’t reply probably but I’m interested in your answers. Thanks in advance!
PS;nsfw
Also, this is why I often would indulge in watching porn - because I crave emotional connection/availability. But I don’t need to have my mind cluttered with these images and so, hence I want to practice being emotionally self-aware, present and safe
This may sound silly but there’s a YouTube channel called cinema therapy and they have a series on non-toxic masculinity. I highly recommend the coverage of Rocky, how a true man’s man expresses emotional vulnerability and love. Watching the channel in general has given me words for things I felt and experienced but didn’t know how to talk about.
I got nothing from any of the men in my life until I started hanging out with more gay men. Whatever else they are, they are unrestrained by the straight role / rules. I found them fun, open, hilarious, sad, hopeful, crazy… it was also a revelation to be hit on (both good and bad).
I guess my other ray of hope was my Arabic ancestry. Arab men are very relaxed and affectionate. Not just with each other but with everyone. They adore kids. They dance. They kiss each other on the cheek to say hello.
Another one is art. If you want to express emotion, ply an art. I wrote. It was a good outlet, even if it never added up to the great American novel.
Once these influences cracked me open, I began to rescue other men around me, who appreciated having a friend they could really talk to, have feelings in front of, hug…
At this point I’m very much my own creature. I can’t even imagine living with the whole emotionless thing. It’s so dumb.
Even though I’m 95% straight I identify as bi. It’s freeing. I don’t worry about that 5% and try to hide it. I cherish it and hold on to it. It keeps me just a little bit flexible. I like that people can’t read my sexuality for a long time after they get to know me. I feel comfortable with straight men, gay men, and all kinds of women. I can relate to trans people, who also construct their gender identity consciously and with intention.
It’s such a big world of interesting people. You can’t know them all but at least know yourself.
A perfect example from fiction is LotR. All the main male characters express themselves, they share their fears and hopes, cry when people close to them die, and they encourage each other.
They’re also rugged “manly men” who hunt, fish, are decisive, and show good leadership capabilities. It shows the ability to do both traditional masculine activities and be emotionally available without being toxic.
It’s common in media to allude that Sam and Frodo’s relationship is sexual in nature, but that sort of close bond between men was common prior to ww2, particularly in the military. A situation that Tolkien likely would have experienced in the trenches of ww1.
Thankyou for this response
Um are you sure this is why you do what you say you do in the spoiler? Just as a warning, I know emotionally available men who also engage in this activity. So do I occasionally and I’m a woman. Meaning, you may know your reasons but if your goal is to remove it that might be difficult. But you surely may reduce it though. Nothing wrong with this as long as it doesn’t interfere with your life.
Now, going back to your question, just be willing and ready to discuss feelings and emotions with people. Friends, family. It doesn’t mean you need to open up right there and spill all your beans, rather, start by listening to others. It’s okay (and actually good) to ask them how do you feel?. Maybe you find you relate to some of that, it’s fine to let the other person know too. Don’t lie though, remember listening is already enough.
Practice being honest. Say I don’t know. Ask how you can help. Listen. Its not hard just being there and honest you can learn alot and improve.
I can’t speak for everyone, but asking myself “why” has helped me introspect. If I have a bad reaction to something or don’t when I should, I ask myself why. After a couple rounds of “why” it usually comes down to childhood experiences or social expectations. At least for me. Eventually it gets easier and being able to id the source helps figure out the positive steps to correct it.
Cut the porn to be honest.
Better yourself Get therapy Go for walks Enjoy space, enjoy being you Find hobbies Listen first, listen more Talk to people Take genuine interest in them without coming across like a creep If you work, be a boss or colleague that champions wellbeing and taking sick days If someone is sounding down in a team meeting, check in with them after
