I got the date!!! Officially confirmed!!! Bottom surgery October 18th!!! 🥳

Last week I mentioned I was busy with some identity issues… Well… turns out I’m a girl. Or… at least part of me is. I have no idea anymore and I’m currently too burned out to explore this any further.
I suppose it’s not really a big surprise, considering my online activity here on Lemmy. But still, accepting a truth like this is still… Let’s just say I’m seeing a lot of my 40+ years alive through a new lens and a lot of things fall in place and with it some sad realizations of how I wish I knew these things then.
Oh and you guys are the first to know, so… yay? :)
Sorry if I’m unloading like this, it’s going to be the only coming out I will be doing for a long while. I just felt the urge to say/write it out loud once.

I have a meeting tomorrow morning with a mediator and representatives from my old company with my lawyer tomorrow.

I’m trying to get my job back since they fired me in response to bringing up issues of abusive behaviour in the workplace. They are trying to get me to back down and disappear.

I have mixed feelings. A part of me wants my job back. The act itself would spit in the face of the general manager who is rotten to his very core.

The other part of me thinks I’ve done enough damage and can safely call it quits by taking a money offer. I exposed to corporate just how awful management at my company was and in response to my firing, corporate has forced several costly updates to work flow practices at the company, cracked down hard on all the unsafe work practices, refused to represent them in my labour board reprisal claim and forced the HR manager to retire ahead of her scheduled retirement plant (I assume, it’s convenient she retired a month after my claim was officially filed and not in 2024 as scheduled).

Tomorrow I’ll have to pick my battle carefully. As much as I’d love to drag this company to the human rights tribunal, I’m also pretty tired and should consider taking the wins I already achieved.

Bureaucracy is fucking lame.

Dealing with medical issues from massive pelvic surgery I had years ago to help resolve some of my intersex related genetic issues. It’s a problem I’ve had for a while but I’m dealing with it so I can get some of my life back.

Pretty good, been spending some time playing games and chatting with this cute trans girl I met on reddit and we’ve started exchanging pics and stuff, which is still something I’m not really used to since I spent most of my childhood and all of my teen years depressed and socially isolated. So it’s been a really refreshing experience that’s boosted my self confidence a lot, especially when she called me cute.

I’m moving into a studio this coming weekend. I’m mostly excited to have my own space, own kitchen, own bathroom, own internet, etc. But, I’m also nervous since this will be my first time living alone. 🥹

I think I need to start reading books again.

I’m okay. I’m depressed, still but I’m doing my best to overcome it.

I started writing a book myself. Well, my fourth one. Another poetry memoir of my life because I seem to have so many stories to tell. It’s about the five stages of grief. In my case, that grief was from a long-term relationship that lasted almost 9 years.

It was inspired by a series of poems I wrote under the same name (it’s on Hello Poetry – it’s named like this: 'the five stages of grief: depression).

When I wrote the other 3 books, which revolved around my fall from meth addiction, it helped me heal in a way.

So that’s why I begun work on my fourth book, in hopes of healing again, and writing it so others can heal, too.

I made it to see Postal Service. I tend to have a lot of anxiety and went alone. It’s the small things to keep going.

I’m finally beginning to escape a 6 month long depressive episode. I’m beginning to feel happy again, and I can finally find joy in my hobbies. Not everything is going great right now and I’m still struggling to get by, but things are beginning to look up. Hopefully, I can harness this newfound energy to finally begin to deal with everything looming over me.

I’m also beginning to read some leftist books. I’ve picked up “Black Metal Rainbows” by Daniel Lukes, et. al, and I’ve grabbed a copy of “Debt: The First 5,000 Years” by David Graeber. I’m hoping to read some other titles when I get the chance. Hopefully, I can get back into reading again, it’s a great break from staring at a screen all day.

I’ve read half of Black Metal Rainbows so far, and I think it’s pretty good, even as someone who isn’t in very deep the black metal scene. The book is a collection of essays, art, stories, and interviews, and so far I’ve read about topics ranging from anti-fascism and removing fascist and nazi bands from metal, queer artists and their experiences in the scene, feminism, sex work, men’s mental health and DSBM, and an interview with Dødheimsgard (my beloved). I’d highly recommend it if you are interested in black metal or leftist communities in metal.

https://blackmetalrainbows.bandcamp.com/album/black-metal-rainbows

It’s ok mostly. Having a new choir on a Monday is taking some getting used to as I’m more tired than I used to be on a Tuesday (and that’s without the insomnia). Saw my mum and the dog earlier which was nice and spent the weekend looking after my sister’s animals for her.

Having a one on one meeting with my director tomorrow about the future of part of my role as it’s all changing (again), she’s lovely but I’m still nervous. It feels like I can’t go a month without some change at work and for someone who doesn’t generally cope well with change/has a tough time mentally this time of year it’s definitely testing me. Doing some tough music in both choirs too which is great but it’s not as relaxing when you have to think about it.

I’m still recovering from a nasty case of Covid that has hit me on the first day of our intercontinental holiday trip, because of course it has. I wish for a week off work where I don’t get sick within two days - it would be the first time this year. But we’ve finally hired a replacement for some of my more time-consuming tasks and once she’s finished training she’ll take a lot of work off me, so things are (probably) looking up!

Despite the vaccination and booster Covid has hit me hard, not to mention the bacteria coming along for the ride. I’m in week three and finally feeling better, but my sense of smell is still mostly gone, and I sincerely hope to get it back soon. A coworker has lost most of her sense of smell and taste some two years ago and the loss seems to be permanent, though she infected herself on purpose to get a certificate without the vaccination, so not much sympathy from me.

As soon as I’m confident that my replacement can do a good job, SWMBO and me are planning some kind of sabbatical to recover from the stress of the last few years. Work, the kids and tons of drama in the extended family have taken their toll on both of us (see “getting sick at the start of every holiday” above). We’ve also been married for more than a year now and still haven’t gotten around to planning our honeymoon. Some real us time is sorely needed.

SWMBO has also informed me this week that she doesn’t really want to live in the house that we’ve bought last november, though it was her who first saw it and told me that she really wanted to buy it. Apparently she really likes the plot of land (it is a nice and quiet place with a huge garden and a quite spectacular view), but she’s come to realize that she doesn’t like the house itself at all. It lacks a room for herself with a view of the mountains, the kitchen is too dark and small and the dark brown beams in the living room are depressing.
I’m not yet sure what to make of this. We were planning some remodeling anyways, but adding new rooms on the outside, extending a brand-new kitchen into the room where the office is now and either lowering the ceiling or moving some beams around the roof and repainting everything is an order of magnitude bigger than what we originally had planned.
We’re going to have to let this settle and make a wish list to present to an architect who really thrives on difficult challenges.

I managed to study 2 hours yesterday. It seems that atomoxetine works. But it doesn’t feel very effective, because I planned to study 8 hours, and a wild YouTube video appeared during my break. And today I’m doing nothing productive at all.

Medication works, but it doesn’t work in the way I want, like methylphenidate did.

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Honestly not great. Depression has been getting the better of me, along with little sleep and what sleep I go have being plagued by nightmares. It’s affecting my work and physical health, so I hope taking tomorrow off for a long weekend will help.

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