About three years ago we decided we would remodel the house to be more amenable to our upcoming retirements. She wanted to completely rebuild the house from the inside, while I wasn’t as keen on the scope and cost of the work, I had enough stock options to sell to pay for it, as well as the living arrangements while the work was done.
We still got a HELOC (home equity line of credit) in case there were cost overruns, which there always are. I signed and approved the estimate, which was for mid-six-figures. I said since my stock sale should cover the estimate, the line of credit shouldn’t exceed 100k at the absolute most.
The work took a year, during which time the builder said that due to supply chain cost increases the materials would cost a bit more than the original estimate. Of course he waited until demo was complete and the entire house was down to the studs to tell us this (warning sign #1). I never saw an invoice, I would have been more assertive about looking at them, but I’d started work at a Major Internet Company, and they were doing their best to burn me out (they succeeded BTW), so I just trusted her to handle those aspects, and let me know if anything dire occurred that needed my attention (my mistake #1).
So the work was completed and we moved back in. One day I happened to open a mortgage statement and had a shock. The balance on the HELOC was over 250k. The mortgage was effectively doubled, and the HELOC interest rate was already ~6% (and rising). I was simply furious. Like I said, I’d never seen an invoice, and figured that much of an increase would have been seen as worthy of flagging my attention.
In fact, it turned out the builder ultimately charged us more than double. Of a mid-six-figure estimate. And only sent the invoices to her. And she just paid them. Without breathing a word to me.
Then a little later on, her company was clearly being grossly mismanaged, and it was obvious about 3 months before it happened that they were going to fail and close. I urged her to start looking for a job, since the economy was already awful, and our mortgage payment was already high. She basically told me to stop saying things that upset her.
Then the company closed. She was really upset, and rather than being supportive, I was thinking “first she doubled our mortgage, now she halved our income” and basically was unsupportive (major mistake on my part, and probably the end of the marriage right there).
We’re in couples counseling, but she’s basically got an answer for every objection I bring up (she tried to show me the invoices but I wasn’t interested, etc, etc).
I’m almost 60, and know that dating in the last 1/3 of my life is much harder than the first two thirds (and it wasn’t easy in my 20s either). I’m watching my marriage fail slowly, knowing that I really need to prepare for that, and acknowledge my part in it.
Really no right answers, just different shades of wrong.
Well the way you tell it you blame her for your financial problems but you don’t seem to take that much responsibility. You didn’t ask about the costs of the home rebuild? You didn’t want to know and be involved?
I’d you want to save your marriage I think other advice in this thread is valid - sell the house, downsize the debt and your lifestyles. You’ll have to sell it anyway of you get divorced so you might as well try and save your marriage first by removing the financial pressures as much as possible.
You both made a mistake when it came to the home.
It doesn’t sound like you messed up your marriage, but aside from that, your wording does not sound like you even want the relationship to survive.
For goodness sake, get financial and legal advice, no matter what you decide. And be careful what you say in regards to finances and accepting blame for things.
As for age, older folk seem to do better than your average middle aged divorced-with-kids…
Money comes and money goes. You could be making $200k a year one year and then be hit with a health condition that wipes you back to square one. As much as we all would like to be comfortably retired and not have financial stress, it comes for most of us in time. If you love your wife and want to be with her, you’ll need to swallow an “I was wrong” pill and accept that maybe you didn’t see it fully from her side.
As others have said, sell the house, downsize to something manageable with your current income levels, and adjust your lifestyles. If you need to, make a spreadsheet showing your financial health in both scenarios. Ask her to help you look it over to see if you missed anything (once you have apologized profusely and she no longer thinks you’re out to point fingers at her). This will allow her to come to the same conclusion on her own. If you did miss something, maybe you can stay where you are.
It takes two to tango.
She talked you in to a renovation that you weren’t wholly convinced by, doubled your debt without making it clear to you and knew she was at risk of losing her job whilst doing fuck all about it. Now she’s gas lighting you in to all this being your fault.
Are you sure it’s you that’s messed up the marriage? Sounds to me that she’s taking you for a ride and you’re letting her.
I’m not sure I understand how you got to “being a man means being reactionary and mean to your wife” but I’d like to point out how ridiculous that is.
The men I’ve respected most in my life have been the ones who temper their actions with patience, empathy, and respect; and those who value communication.
I prefer to live in a world where “being a man” here equates to realizing that communication was flawed here—and feelings have been hurt—on both sides, and working to come back together rather than giving up.
I understand how frustrating it must have been, but I find it hard to relate to ending a marriage for money issues. In the face of love money is so important. So maybe through all the money things you realized there’s aspects of your wife’s personality you don’t like, and that is a good reason to think about divorce. But think long and hard about the core reasons behind your desire to end it all.
Issue ain’t money tho…
Issue is unreliable partner.
Marriage isn’t just about love. I say this as someone happily married, people who marry someone entirely because they’re in love are making a huge gamble just like people who marry just because of money. Marriage is a contract to bind your lives together. It’s not about whether or not you have money but about how you handle it.
What I’m seeing here is an impulsive person with bad financial sense and a person who took no responsibility for his portion in it. Something that could’ve been fine got pushed to the breaking point and trust is dead. The wounds are scarring.
Marriage isn’t just about love. I say this as someone happily married, people who marry someone entirely because they’re in love are making a huge gamble just like people who marry just because of money. Marriage is a contract to bind your lives together. It’s not about whether or not you have money but about how you handle it.
What I’m seeing here is an impulsive person with bad financial sense and a person who took no responsibility for his portion in it. Something that could’ve been fine got pushed to the breaking point and trust is dead. The wounds are scarring.
Not to pile one. But why would you trust a boomer lady at this point in your life to handle anything??
Not saying they are all like this but i have heard this story so many times.
Wes there a reason to trust her to handle this properly?
Tbh, I wouldn’t trust myself to do this project unless I was unemployed at the time with energy do it.
You should have never went a long with complete reno, which seems to be essentially buying a new house at retirement. then if you did, you should have done it yourself. Since your partner is not reliable. I have hard time believing you just now found it out. So both of you are too blame for different reasons.
Unless she is willing to admit her fuck up, what’s the point? Her behavior will get worse.
As far as saving your marriage, it is gone. Unless you are skipping key details, her bahavior speaks for itself.
Take your half, and move on.
You had me until those first few sentences, though I admit I was reading your post backwards.
