Thanks. That’s the conclusion I’m slowly coming to, as well. I’ve given your words some thought and I think it’s willing to have another conversation when we’re both in a good place mentally and emotionally. He’s been stressed because of the previously impending shutdown, so it probably didn’t help that I brought this up without considering that.

ETA: I think part of this stems from a desire for us to build our own life together rather than us living in a place that only one of us has ties to. This was one of the things I was insecure about in my previous relationship because I moved in with him. So it always felt like his place (his house, his family, his friends, etc) and I had to fit into it rather than us finding our own way. To be fair, that relationship was a bad idea for several reasons (but that’s often the case in one’s 20s), but I think this is a sore spot due to my history of being kicked out as a youth and, for several years, having to live in places where I didn’t have any say in simple things like furniture and decor. I don’t want him to feel like that (which is part of why I’m hesitant about the Atlanta area) and I don’t want to feel like that (which is part of why I wasn’t keen on living here long-term).

Edit 2: Your point about thinking about what we want rather than where we want to live is a better way to frame it. We’ve been so fixated on the places (or rather, our perceptions of some places) rather than considering what it is we want out of a place to live.

I completely agree with this. Getting my ADHD under control with Dexedrine and Wellbutrin along with guanfacine to take the edge off of the irritability has been a life changer. I’m still very much AuDHD, but at a manageable level.

Working from home means no longer having to battle sensory sensitivity. I created and set up my own custom lighting setup (read: a couple of motor controllers and AliExpress LED strips). I normally work under very low lighting, but it’s trivial to adjust it when I have to be on camera. That’s rare because I luckily work on a team in which it’s socially acceptable not to have it on. At work, ADHD drives the flashes of insight and willingness to try ridiculous ideas; autism keeps track of the todo list and forces me to think about edge cases.

It’s the autism that drives me to clean up things that I spill and isolate and regularly get rid of trash, for example. It’s also why I am generally well prepared while traveling. I have dedicated cases for electronics, toiletries, cutlery and condiments, even bookmarks and writing utensils, and I always have a little cash, some of it in quarters, just in case I have to do laundry. Incidentally, those are some of the things that drive me batty about my boyfriend, who’s allistic and inattentive ADHD. But I know he can’t help it, plus he has to deal with my rigidity and hyperactivity.

Anyway…my analytical and hyperactive nature are what drive me to exercise regularly and to see it as a lifelong habit; given the vast body of data about its benefits and the dangers of being sedentary, it would be illogical if I didn’t do it.

The advice about not looking for love is good but incomplete. I think that some people (myself included) have to put some thoughtful effort into dating if they want a partner. For others, it comes more naturally for one or two simple reason(s): they have a wide social circle and/or they have lives that consistently put them in contact with a lot of other people. In a lot of ways, it truly is a numbers game.

Since I’m not one of those people, I took a systematic approach to dating and sought to replicate that network effect while still staying true to myself. I upgraded to the paid version of Scruff (I’m a gay man) after realizing that it was far easier for me to make friends than date where I was. The immediate goal was not to find a boyfriend, it was to practice chatting with men in a platonic manner. The secondary goal was to make a friend or two. I made a goal of chatting with 4-5 people each week.

In the meantime, I started delving more into my hobbies by taking classes and going to meetups because they exposed me to more people. Also, hobbies are a good source of conversational topics.

After 3-4 months of doing this, I received a message on Scruff at 2:00 one morning. My sleep schedule at that time was messed up, so I was actually awake then. I looked at his profile and saw that he was interested in maps (one of my special interests). So I responded and we just hit it off. If you’ve ever met someone and just clicked with them, you’ll understand what I mean by that. We became good friends within a month or two, then things got a little more serious. The downside was that he was literally on the other side of the continent and we both had careers that were dependent on our locations, so we agreed to keep things platonic. We met in person the following month and found that the attraction was still there, only stronger.

We’ve been together for over four years now and have lived together for 3.5 of them. He also has ADHD, which is probably part of why we get along so well. Perhaps I just got lucky, but if I hadn’t pushed myself to socialize with others (I consider text-based conversations to be a form of socializing), we would never have met.

tl;dr: The closest thing there is to a magic formula is to be kind, interesting, and interested in other people. And “interesting” means different things to everyone, but in my experience, hobbies and special interests tend to be a bit of an advantage. Also, a good first step is to widen your social circle (use your favorite search engine to learn more about the weak ties theory, if you want to nerd out about how that works…this is also a good start: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_ties).

I’ve not had a gym membership since before COVID. Despite being vaxxed, boosted, and having had it once before, I don’t see myself ever becoming comfortable with the idea of joining an indoor gym. I also hate (American) fitness culture, a view that COVID solidified, so there’s zero desire to be around anyone else anyway. I just want to be able to age well and maintain my independence.

What got me to start working out: Almost 10 years ago, I went from doing manual labor (warehouse, construction, etc) to writing code for a living. It has its perks, like no longer being near the poverty line and having a consistent work schedule. But I knew that a desk job is the fastest way to end up sick and out of shape, a suspicion that was 10000% confirmed when I met my first boss. Dude was 5’10” and easily 400 lbs. After my first day at that job, I joined a cheap gym and bought a pair of running shoes. A few months later, I’d completed my first 5K. After couple of years and a few injuries and stern lectures from my chiro, I started strength training.

Why I do it now: Admittedly, I’ve not been 100% consistent over the years because of injury/illness (outside of my control) and work (something I need to get better about, as the company is only concerned with money, not my well-being). I couldn’t run or lift much for two years because I had a suprapubic catheter and I was one of those unlucky people who pees blood if I run or even walk too fast. But I got lucky and learned about adaptive fitness and that my employer would reimburse some fitness-related expenses, so I was able to work with a trainer until the catheter came out. Then last year I got a high-paying but high-pressure job, which made it too easy to skip workouts due to deadlines or emergencies. So I’ve been playing catch-up and I’ve had to learn to be patient but not complacent. I’ve also had to learn to be nice to myself when I slip up, otherwise what’s the point? While I haven’t always been consistent, I have been persistent. Ultimately, I just want to be able to haul my own groceries into the house even when I’m 80.

In the States, the same choads that drive tankmobiles tend to complain about fuel prices and how it’s all big gubmint’s fault for stealing their fun (fun being defined as the ability to do 95 mph on the interstate and still pay under $50 for a tank of gas).

The negative: not to be too self-deprecating, but… just how annoying I can be to others (both my ex- and current partners vastly prefer it when I’m on meds). Being impulsive, having difficulty picking up on social cues, and being blunt (yay autism) is a volatile mix and I truly wonder how many friendships it’s wrecked

The neutral: the autism comes out in force, but mostly in a good way. I live and die by (self-directed) routines and having an analytical personality helps in nudging myself to do the right thing (e.g., it’s easier to stop procrastinating if I think about all of the possible consequences of continuing to procrastinate)

The good: with the right systems in place and in the right job, I actually can do well in a full-time job

I feel you.

Things that helped me (sorry about the formatting; I’m still trying to figure that out):

1. embracing the fact that learning new things means initially sucking at them and there’s no way around that. But vulnerability in an environment in which others feel similarly is a good thing because it can make it easier to strike up a friendship.

2. if you can’t be consistent, be persistent. I’ve been working out for the past 6-7 years, with the exception of a yearlong stretch in because I had a suprapubic catheter and finding adaptive training is hard, especially in the middle of a pandemic. I eventually found one and we’ve been working together for well over two years, even though the cath came out 1.5 years ago. But the past six months have been stressful because of work. So there are weeks in which I only work out once, maybe twice. It’s not great, but it’s still better than nothing and vastly better than overtraining, which I did last year because I tried to use working out as a solution for all my stress and wound up with tennis elbow that took the rest of the year to rehab. But I’m still stronger than I was six months ago. Glacial progress is still progress!

3. there’s nothing wrong with paying for knowledge from an expert, if you can do that. Working with a trainer has been super helpful in learning more about how to move with proper form and without getting hurt. I’ve applied those lessons to other forms of exercise that I do on my own (lately, it’s been steel mace workouts). I don’t think I’d have been able to learn on my own without hurting myself if I hadn’t first learned about the importance of seemingly little things, like breathing correctly.

4. have a way to fill in the gaps in your routine. If I can’t go running because of poor air quality, I have steel maces and half a tire to pound on and I have an air bike if I’m limited to indoors activities or can’t be away from my desk for too long. If I’m injured, I have resistance bands and very light kettlebells