Shit was rough. Break the cycle. Be the change you want to see.
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If you read only the black text, the sign is telling people it’s perfectly fine to be victims of their circumstances.
Jokes aside, I reluctantly agree with the sentiment that one or two commenters have expressed that it’s awful privileged to assume it’s within the capacity of those who endured childhood trauma to just “be better”.
At every moment of every day, I carry a wound with me that tells me I’m not good enough, that I’m both physically and mentally in danger, and that everyone and everything I trust will turn on me at a moment’s notice.
It’s a bit like handling a curve on a bike or car. On good days I feel like gentle tug of inertia trying to pull me from the path I’m steering toward. In this metaphor, the curves are the little challenges that are thrown at you socially. I see the edge of the mental road and all the darkness that lies beyond it, but I can handle it with grace and move in the direction I’d like. On bad days - most days, honestly - it’s not so gentle of a pull. I’m sliding right into panic and fear because of the trauma that was built into me. It takes a considerable effort and a lot of energy to not be antisocial, to not indulge in things that protect my wounds.It sucks. And it’s not because I’m not being better, it’s because my starting point is farther back and with fewer resources.
(And time, apparently, as I’m rushing to finish this comment - apologies if that rush comes through with incomplete thoughts.)
I’m sympathetic, I’ve got my own pull telling me I’m terrible and that I don’t deserve love, that if I’m not perfect everyone will abandon me. But I also recognize my responsibility to minimize harm. It wasn’t easy, but I learned how to step away when I’m feeling destructive emotions and I’ve spent years working to heal the wounds (actually just recently started EMDR, but I also learned CBT techniques years ago).
Damage done because of trauma is still damage done.
I’m glad my intent is coming across, even though I wasn’t very clear with it. I didn’t explicitly say that it’s not acceptable to harm others if you’ve been harmed: it’s not, and I aspire to not do damage to others, even as I sometimes poorly navigate my way through life.
I felt compelled to jump in to give a more human face to how challenging it can be to get from one point to another.I’m in a very similar situation. I’ve struggled for a long time to find a workable therapist. Fragile trust, ADHD, and CPTSD. I’ve done some CBT work, and found a therapist I really trust. I’m now in the beginning phases of EMDR.
Yeah, I’ve also got the fun ADHD + CPTSD combo lol. And yeah I mostly feel the need to talk about the responsibility to minimize harm because of the ways I’ve been hurt by people with BPD.
And yeah, I haven’t gotten to the part of emdr with the lights, but I’m hopeful. I’ve heard amazing things from my friend’s brother.
Hi friend, fellow member of the ACE high score club here. I also find the simplification of these kinds of topics triggering. It’s hard to see people boil down the complexities of CPTSD and other childhood trauma-related conditions in ways that can feel cold or indifferent to the challenges that come from living with them.
The frustrating truth I’ve found is that both things can be true at the same time. We didn’t ask to be born into a situation that changed our developing brains so much, and we didn’t sign up to carry the consequences of the choices our caregivers made on both our bodies and our minds. It’s not our fault this happened, and it’s not fair that we should have to work so hard just to appear “normal” to others and be accepted by them.
Unfortunately, though, the naked truth underneath the pain is that, regardless of how fair it is or isn’t, it’s up to us to address the reality we find ourselves in. We have to do the hard work that got dropped on us if we want to live in a way that isn’t agony all the time. There are people available to help, but no one else can save us. It’s like managing any other diseases that randomly pop up and decide to ruin lives. No one asked for MS, either, but they still have to either address it or do nothing and suffer.
I completed a year long CBT course, and it was really hard at first. It focused on maladaptive behaviors that impact how you treat others. Much of it discussed anger or rage toward others and how to look at your emotions differently so you don’t harm your relationships. I’m very skilled at masking, and my FFFF response is fawning most of the time. Because of this, I got frustrated about thought these lessons didn’t apply to me. I already know how to contain my emotions and play nice with others, I thought, so what is this doing for me?
Over the months, I realized I was saying and doing all those damaging things not to the people around me, but to myself internally all the time. I was taking all my anger, resentment, pain, and feelings of inadequacy on myself. It hit me like a truck. I absolutely did need to learn that material, I just didn’t see where I needed to apply it.
I’m sorry for the long diatribe, but your comment really resonated with me. I could feel your suffering as I was reading. I just wanted to share so you feel supported and understood, and I hope you’re able to make progress and find some peace as you continue to navigate this. If you’d ever like to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’ll be thinking of you.
Thank you. I really appreciated your comment, and I agree with you.
I’m in much the same boat. Perhaps not so practiced in wielding the tools or so ingrained in reaching for them, but… trying. It’s reassuring to see and hear from folks who share their stories.Currently in the beginning phases of EMDR therapy, and trying to get to that point where the harms of the past hold less power. The outward manifestation toward others tends to be fairly pro-social, but I’m still struggling with the inner thoughts a lot. Hoping with effort and practice that changes.
You’re very welcome, and I’m glad it was helpful. I’ve heard such great things about EMDR! I hope it’s helpful for you. I was in therapy working my way up to it for a while, but my therapist never came back from maternity leave and wasn’t able to refer me. She was awesome, though, and I’m sure I’ll be able to pick back up where I left off.
Try to be kind to yourself. You’re clearly doing the work, so I hope you reap all the rewards.
This isn’t a fucking shitpost oh my God. This community is where bots come to get Lemmy cred.
I mean, it’s gaining the exact responses I expected it to lmao. I’d say it’s worked well as a low effort piece of cringy bait. I even used the shitty “be better” cliche. Also hilarious to call me a bot given my post/comment history.
500+ posts annd 2000+ comments in six months is bot behavior, that’s exactly why I said it.
I mean, I’m an active user. Do you really think I’m a bot?
I look at the content and frequency of your posts and liken it to Gallowboob, who I’ve seen the actual dude, so not a bot, but the way the account is used is not the same as a regular person would use the account.
I would concede I’m definitely not a “regular” person. But also definitely not a bot lmao. The content should be making it pretty clear I’m not a bot.
And who I’m gonna bully about my old traumas and tell them how bad they are?
I don’t know. To me it seems that they kind of do, but maybe only partially.
Unless you can reliably prove that people have complete free will, that social engineering and propaganda aren’t very effective, and that it’s at all possible to get out of trauma/addiction/terrible habits without outside triggers and/or support.
Each of these is by no means certain, and very difficult to prove. Our societies kind of assume everyone has a free will that cannot be meaningfully impacted by default, but there isn’t a whole lot of empirical evidence for it.
Whereas the impact of the first 3-4 years of life on the kinds of people we become is already very well documented in psychological literature. So is the effectiveness of manipulation, including social engineering and propaganda. Each of these usually has its own chapter in most psychology textbooks.
If you’ve ever spoken with a psychiatrist, psychologist, or a therapist, you’ll most likely have heard some statements contradictory to this post as well.
I don’t know if this idea does anything good for anyone. It looks to me like it creates unnecessary animosity between people, and further pits them against each other.
Instead, you can be understanding, and offer assistance where possible. I can guarantee you it always provides better results than just expecting other people to ‘be better’ and shaming them if they’re not.
And don’t forget to look at yourself, too. Are you good enough to demand better from other people? Or to judge them if they don’t meet your expectations?
I don’t think your 3 requirements are required at all…
I do think it’s not as simple as this shitpost though… But it’s also a shitpost.
I also don’t think you need to be some paragon of righteousness to expect better from others.
Sounds like you haven’t tried just being better
At least be a funny shitty adult
is everyone here larping as if we were on facebook or some shit like that?
Been that way for a while
That’s the intentional irony I envisioned with this post. It’s going how I expected. “Be better”
I fully agree with the message. I downvoted for the format.
Shitty childhood led me not to have kids at all.
Un my experience the worst people are the ones who have had no adversity.
having an abusive childhood is the main reason why i’m extremely sympathetic now, and probably part of why i’m also a massive doormat
“Sorry” takes this otherwise good thought and makes the whole thing cunty.
Be better
It took me quite a while to climb out of that pit. Even now decades later I’m realizing how much they did to me. They didn’t know it and didn’t care but they shortened my life with their neglect. I had never looked up rheumatic fever. When I was fourteen I was third in free style swimming in my region. I got sick with a sore throat and ear ache. My parents waited three days to take me to the doctor. The 80 year doctor just said it was a minor ‘red throat’ I went back home and two days later my I started bleeding from my ears. Three days after that they finally took me back to the doctor. I had a high fever and was really out of it. I was out of it for a few days and in the hospitals for fourteen days.
After that I started getting slower in swimming. I couldn’t now keep up with the times I had when I was younger. I was getting tired all the time and was having pain in my chest. My mother insisted I was too old for that and fool that I was believed her. In truth I had heart problems related to that fever. They had the money and I had insurance but they decided that their money was more important and the only reason why they went to the doctor when they did was because someone came by the house and saw the bloody paper towel next to my ear and freaked out. I didn’t learn that for thirty years just like I didn’t learn they called SCAN which was child services at the time. Of course they talked them down and I was in my late forties before I found out.
I had a heart attack when I was in my mid thirties. Now in my mid fifties I’m looking at severe problem with my heart valves. If I lose my job I’m dead in the Land of the Fee. I have tried to raise my children better but I still have difficult emotional problems and I can tell you right now I don’t hate much but even though they are dead I will always hate them.
sometimes the parents are so shitty, that the children turns out that way(and the child gets blamed for it because they are grown up but unable to do this or that as an adult), and the parents get mad when they get the consequences of it. i think strep goes like this strep throat to scarlet fever to rheumatic, which is the most serious.
depends how crappy, you arnt going to suffer as much if you were white, and not AA whom are likely to be repeat offenders of crimes, due to systemic racism and “policies”. and in what socioecomic region you grew up in. plus daughters dont get the same bad rap as men do(especially in the usa where men are expected to be independant at adulthood). i seen posts in other platform, thier sibling/parent has alot of contempt for thier family member if not outright spite, they actually wish thier family member to fail and get off on it, very strange as its quite unique in the us and the west and very common.
i seen posts where siblings/parents ignore a childs potential issue, and assume that they are intentionally not doing anything with themselfs. on one post in another forum, a older woman ask why thier slightly younger sister wasnt doing what the OP (thinks people should be doing at thier age35+), completely ignoring the enabling, adhd, and health condition of said sister , turns out the OP was ragging ont he sister for quite some time and why she was so dependant on the parents.
Fuckin… wut?
