From alt.atheism on Usenet, many many years ago:

I have a friend who’s an atheist. Naturally as a Christian I’m very concerned for his soul. How can I witness to my atheist friend?

I have a sure-fire way for you to witness to your friend.

Go to your local lumber and hardware store. Purchase the following:

  • 1 nine-foot railroad tie or length 8”x8” lumber
  • 1 six-foot length of 2”x6”
  • 1 pack of heavy-duty 6” nails
  • 4 large spikes

I assume you can get a small shovel, a hammer, and a sharp-ended crowbar. If not, you’ll have to buy those too.

Invite your friend to meet you at a relatively private public area - a low hill surrounded by trees would be ideal. Arrive there an hour early. Dig a two-and-a-half foot deep hole at the top of the hill, just big enough for the railroad tie.

Next, nail the 2x6 perpendicularly onto the railroad tie, two and a half feet from one end. Use at least four heavy nails.

This next part may be a little tricky; you may want to have a (Christian) friend help you. Use the spikes to nail your wrists to the end of the 2x6, and you feet to the longer end of the protruding railroad tie. Make sure to put the spikes through your wrists, not your palms; if you put them through your palms they’ll rip through. You’ll flop forward and look ridiculous, and you won’t convert anybody.

Have a friend (or two) lift the railroad tie and slide the base into the hole you dug. They should make sure that the railroad tie stands up firmly; if necessary, they can pack some stones around the tie in the hole.

Have someone jab you firmly in the side of your abdomen with the sharpened crowbar, making a deep hole. By now, your atheist friend should have arrived.

Die.

Come back to life.

Your friend is now ready for conversion.