We fucking internalize everything because of being bullied by both adults and children. Then they call us high functioning. This former gifted kid gives them the finger.
After my diagnosis, I had two types of interactions when I told people I was autistic: “You don’t seem autistic” and “yeah, that tracks” and I could tell which one a person would say based on how long I’d known them.
In short, masking is for the short term.
I often wonder if that spike of anxiety and that feeling of adrenaline would be less pronounced if I just forced myself into social situations more often, or if that’s just how it is for me.
Well, has never worked for me. In fact, just the opposite. I can pretty much do any social thing at least once, and things might slightly improve for a while, if I do it a few times. But the more I do it, the more anxious I get, and it becomes slightly harder and harder each time, even if everything goes perfectly.
For example, I used to be scared to walk into the doctors office, but then after few visits it became normal, I could do it like nothing. But now, after many years of lots of visits, I am already shaking, like two days beforehand. And I have not even been mistreated or anything, the anxiousness just kind of builds up eventually. I have not found a solution to it, and doing therapy did not work… it just caused the same thing happen with it, too.I had to do this for a customer service job I had before. I ended up basically creating an entirely new persona and masking/dissociating every interaction, but was really good with getting sales and helping people and such while doing it. I didn’t realize I was doing it until one of my friends visited me at work and mentioned I was like an entirely different person there.
I haaaate how people dismiss those of us who have less visible struggles. In particular, it upsets me the way intelligent autistic kids are expected to have all their shit together, just because they talk like little professors. Intelligence and emotional maturity are two completely different things. A little kid can be brighter than all the adults around them, but that doesn’t mean they can regulate themselves like a neurotypical adult can.
No wonder so many of us grow up to feel like imposters - ever since childhood, other people put high expectations on us based on one aspect, then get upset at us when we fail to master everything. I’ve worked with kids of this type as well, and it’s disappointing how many times I’ve heard coworkers go, “They’re so smart! Why are they even here (at a school specifically for autistic kids with behavior issues)?” Short answer: because there’s a lot more to school-readiness than wanting to learn. Lacking the social skills to tolerate classmates, and having those situations trigger behaviors that can cause injury to themselves and others, is not conductive to a traditional school environment.
I had to raw-dog that experience in my own childhood in the 90s, when few people would’ve expected a little girl to be autistic (let alone a bright girl who loved rambling about science.) I had to learn socialization the hard way, after years of screaming, crying, throwing chairs, getting detention, and the only help I ever got was being told to “just ignore” my bullies. Thank goodness there are more services and knowledge available today to help such kids. Unfortunately, we still have quite a ways to go toward having “invisible” disabilities be understood and accepted, even by those who specialize in working with such individuals. Sigh…
Also people mistake having no outward signs of emotion for not having any internal struggles either. Just because I shut down when I’m sad or anxious or even angry, but because I’m not visibly freaking out people assume I have no emotions?
If you’re convenient enough, why would they have to worry about you? My trouble is anxiety and I tended to shut down/dissociate/depersonalize (because anything else was harshly punished) and people basically are like “yeah she’s great she goes along with whatever”.
I’m really sorry that people couldn’t recognize or support your needs. I hope it’s very past tense for you.
I went out to a bar last night and I now I wont be able to do anything like that for a good month, even tho it went really well.
E hugs from me, no touchy hug though
Sames. Had a childhood friend’s wedding a few weeks ago where my family also showed up and I’m juuust about able to be social again even though I really enjoyed my time…
I had some great interactions today with people whose company I enjoy, doing an activity I love, in a place that is familiar and comfortable to me. It lasted for two hours and I am still overstimulated AF and ruminating for absolutely zero reason. The fact I can recognize this at all means I’m doing a hell of a lot better than I was a few years ago, though! Everything’s a win if you can spin it like one, baby!
I am high-functioning.
I only function when high. 😌
As an autistic stoner, I can confirm this is completely true
I function better when i’m high.
