I honestly hate myself for still feeling this way at 23. Whenever I’m out, I always feel like the ugliest girl in the room, and it literally makes me feel completely worthless. It sucks watching how nicely everyone treats beautiful women. Nobody ever says anything mean to them. Guys are always looking out for them, and other girls always have their back. They get this pass in life that I’ve never had. No one has ever helped or protected me except my parents.I’ve learned to just rely on myself, because my parents won’t be around forever and nobody else gives a damn about me. Maybe this is how it should be.
I mean this is easy - start intentionally going to places where “looking good” isn’t the organizing principle.
Find a hobby - hiking, gardening, books, pets. Hang out with people who value and are interested in things you value and are interested in. If you have something interesting to say and someone is interested- suddenly you have a much more interesting connection than “he thinks I’m hot”.
It seems great to have people treat you well because you are pretty - but in reality it means they don’t give two shits about who you are or what you think and will be dishonest with you to try to get in your pants.
Most pretty women really suffer when they get older and lose that “free pass” because the only social skill they ever learned was “look good”. If you learn to really listen and care about others, to be a good friend, to make people laugh - learn how to be an appealing person in a way that has nothing to do with looks. It will give you a much much more satisfying life for much much longer.
When I see a trophy wife I often think what a sad lonely place it must be.
Never feeling enough and the anxiety of having to look good. Never having a true voice. A bird in a cage.
No one has ever helped or protected me except my parents. […] nobody else gives a damn about me.
I don’t know how strong a network of good platonic friendships you have, but that goes a long way to give you this once your parents are no longer around.
Here’s a question even if you are ‘ugly’ are you of less value?
No, you are not.
There are people who do not fit the definition of pretty. They might be hairy, or disfigured etc, but you can also see unique. Do they deserve happiness and a place in society, Absolutely.
You have start seeing past pretty. You are who you are and the quicker you learn to love yourself (warts n all) the easier life will be. Looks fade, Self confidence, happiness and inner assurance are attractive traits, for men and women.
I think a lot of people would find you prettier than you’d expect. For me personally, what’s considered very attractive to most people looks fake and boring and less smart if I’m being honest. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking like this.
Well I think first you have some things that are not totally accurate. Everyone has mean things said to them at some point. Not all guys are looking out for them in particular. Some guys will be a bit more protective of women. Some won’t. Some will front to impress what they consider to be a pretty girl. I don’t see why girls would have their back more. Ones I know would not have some strange pretty girls back instead of their friend who may be less pretty or such. Someone prettier will likely make better first impressions and such but they can still get in trouble or be not liked by people because of some other aspect of who they are. you actually sound a bit like my wife. its actually very hurtful to say no one cares about you when you have someone who literally has you and your well being in mind with every decision and action.
If you want a confidence boost, wearing an outfit you really like helps. I wear a 3/4 full length cloak and strut down the street, and my brain goes, “yeah. I am that cool. I’m the coolest one here 😎” which really puts pep in my step. Or if I pull together a good goth fit, same thing.
Buy or make some clothes you love, or accessories you love. Develop fun hobbies, and that will help you make friends!
Help and protection usually come from investing in relationships with other people. Very few people get that experience by default. Find your people and be a friend.
And if you’re looking for a partner, step 1 is still making friends.
“Pretty privilege”, it’s real. If you’re not pretty, be fun ! at least that stays relevant throughout the years.
Best wishes,
Try to learn to value yourself for something other than looks. It can be HARD and takes real work and introspection, but you can learn to decenter beauty from your life and shake off the self-hatred. It won’t necessarily change the way people treat you, but at the very least, a sense of self-worth will give you some armor.
To be clear, I’m an objectively ugly woman. Fat, pale, frizzy haired, extremely asymmetrical, the works. Things that have worked for me have been pursuing hobbies, solo travel, reading a whole lot, getting into fashion, and seeking therapy, of course. I also find it helpful to seek out opinions and perspectives online from folks who don’t fit the beauty standard - fat people, disabled people, unconventionally attractive people, etc.
Sending nothing but love and empathy your way. I was in a very similar spot at 23, and I’m happy to say by 29 I think I’ve come to accept myself despite my looks.
If your someone that hangs out on social media, bare in mind that it can alter your perception of beauty to unrealistic expectations.
The truth is that ugliness is only a problem with first impressions. Once people get to know you, your “ugli[ness]” will disappear and your facial features will just become a representation of who you are, on the inside. Forgive me, I don’t know if you have a medical condition but I know people with Treacher Collins that are capable of having friends and finding love, and I promise you can too. We can say it’s unfair that beautiful people get all the attention but ugly people tend to have the best people as friends.
I wish you the best.
Movies taught me that you just need to take off your glasses, and then everyone will see how beautiful you truly are. If you’re not wearing any glasses, then I don’t know - I haven’t seen that movie yet.
On a more serious note, insecurities don’t go away just because you’re an adult. You need to work on them, for example via a therapist, until you’rehappy in your own skin. And stop comparing yourself to others, that’s generally a usual source of misery.
Yeah, world’s a bit cruel to ugly people. Nothing you can do but grow some self-confidence.
You can also be too cruel to yourself.
I always thought of myself as ugly but aged into my looks. Now I am out of shape still but not bad looking.
Changing your outlook (which I am not saying is easy) also changes how you hold and present yourself. That confidence is also attractive.
Looks, or looks?
I mean, is it stuff they DO or something they are? I had a sort of duck-to-swan progression, your day may yet come, and if it’s a styling, grooming, taking better care of themselves thing, and if you actually want to look more “beautiful” you likely can, by finding your style, taking care of yourself, and not worrying about looking good to anyone but yourself. If you were friends with you, would you call your friend ugly? I hope not. Be a friend to yourself.
There will always be someone better looking. There will always be someone smarter. There will always be someone richer, someone more magnetic, more outgoing and comfortable.
If you are really suffering, it’s your mind doing that to you, not your looks, and please know that if you had supportive parents you had more than a lot of people do.
still feeling this way at 23
Implying 23 is an advanced age or when someone achieves great wisdom is incorrect. There’s a long way to go and a lot to learn.
how nicely everyone treats beautiful women
It is called sexual capital. It is a genuine advantage, but only one of many in an unfair world. Some are born with financial advantage, or social advantage, or aesthetic advantage, etc.
You have no choice but to make the best of what you’ve got. Anyone can capitalise on what they have. I’d argue the majority of attracting people’s positive attention and admiration has to do with being clean, neat, groomed, well dressed and sociable. Some even may find it liberating that they don’t get unwanted attention and can be judged on their other merits besides just their looks.
It is difficult to undo social programming, but you can be attractive in very many ways if you can let go of the narrow way society portrays attractiveness in the media.
For starters, stop staring at them and comparing yourself to them.
You need a hobby. That might help.
Life is unfair, fixating on it is pointless. Someone will always be better than you. The point is to set goals for yourself and work on achieving them, rather than being bitter that other people have stuff you don’t, and might never, have.
Talk to a therapist and stop comparing yourself to others. Focus on learning to love you, for you, no matter how that person turns out.
